Don’t Ask Me Why!

There are days when one feels an unexplained urge to write,despite having no idea whatsoever about the intended topic of scrutiny.Today is one of those days,and so,as I can think of nothing else to write about,here’s a review of “Humari Adhuri Kahaani!”Don’t ask me why!

I KNOW,I KNOW!Don’t judge me folks,not yet.Both Vidya Balan and Rajkumar Yadav have acted in really good movies (Queen, and Kahani:I liked those),and Emraan Hashmi is cuteness personified;so I decided to give it a go.(Mainly because I was persuaded by my best friends to watch it!Oh,the things we do for love!)

So,there I am,groggy and half asleep,with no clue whatsoever about the movie,except the actors and the title obviously,and the screen opens to a shot of a haggard Vidya Balan slumped on a window seat in a shabby bus on a country road.Moments later,she collapses,falls down to her knees(she does a lot of that in the movie,but more about that later),reaches out a hand,(to frame the title which appears moments later,accompanied by the signature tacky tune.),and drops dead,due to unknown reasons,which later are revealed to be, kyunki uska anteem samay nikat aa gya tha!

Despite the asli hindi dialogue (which was so mind boggling sometimes that I had to ask a friend what stuff meant!),I was intrigued by the story,as Namit Dass lamented the loss of his mother,and Rajkumar showed obvious signs of mental illness combined with a heavy dose of “creep”.In a typical Bollywood manouevre,he leaves behind a diary wherein he has written the story jaise it happened,bees saal pehle!(Excuse my crappy Hindi).

The camera zooms in on a middle-aged Vidya Balan aka Vasudha something(excuse me for forgetting the mundane details,like her last name) being a sanskari maa,bahu,beti,and whatnot!She manages to take care of her five year old by arranging flowers in a hotel,(although the fact that she manages to maintain that home in upper bombay on that meager income still intrigues me),all the while being Lady Sanskaar, throwing around incomprehensible doses of philosophy at anyone and everyone who cares!Enter Aarav Ruparel,the hotel magnate who doesn’t have a permanent address,(Trust me they have stressed on this fact a LOT.You’ll know what I am talking about,if you watched the movie;if you did not,uhm,never you mind!).Emraan Hashmi looks good,I have to give him that.That being said,his entry sets into motion a series of illogical events that eventually becomes “Humari Adhuri Kahani”,the movie!

The “most eligible bachelor” in the house,who is known for being “ruthless” and “unemotional” falls for the florist and her lilies,(AND her lilies,as they have emphasized so very elaborately!);The lead characters in this movie in order of decreasing importance and face value are:Emraan Hashmi,Arum lilies,Vidya Balan AND rajkumar yadav!After some gruelling wordplay (which I forgot the minute I escaped the movie theater),Aarav stages a mishap,and promotes Vasudha apparently for running straight into the flames to save the man;(idiotic,in my opinion,gallant,mayhaps,in his!),which he admits isn’t what he does every time(“Why the exception?”I asked,and was subjected to a glare and a reprimand by bebo dearest who was deeply engrossed!).Promotions being handed out,and fires being staged,Aarav sets off to Dubai,with a harrowed Prabal Panjabi,aka Apurva,his friend/assistant/sidekick always reminding him that they are being late for some flight or the other.It has been a good performance by Panjabi,but my OCD wouldn’t let me rest once I noticed his lopsided glasses,and his very weirdly placed eyes beneath them!(No offence).Idiotic woman that she is(take offence,I dont care,rather I know you all would not;and would agree quite unanimously that vidya balan’s amazing talent as an actor has been wasted here on a very “stupid” character,to put it in milder terms!),she refuses his offer,which in some very weird way pulls him towards her(Only Mohit Suri and the scriptwriter might know why this happens.Extra emphasis on the might!)

After a few twists and turns in the story(which honestly were the only thing that managed to keep me in my seat,along with Emraan’s presence ofcourse,as I could always zone out and just watch him for a while when the movie became too tacky),we find a besotted Emraan falling for Vidya in Dubai,as she continues being sanskari there,assisted by the over excited helper (irritating af,tbh,like “what are you so darn happy about all the effing time,woman??!”She is practically bouncing everytime she is included in a scene!Looks like somebody was a little too excited about there big bollywood break!)Accompanied by flashbacks,and Vidya dropping down to her knees at very unexpected moments (NOT in the circumstances you are assuming,you dirty freaks!),the movie slumbers on towards the second half.A trip to a desolate construction site,apparently to serve only the purpose of Vidya uprooting a bush and giving Emraan the opportunity to stare unabashedly at her,is squeezed in,to the tunes of some song in the background!

Under a starry Dubai sky,in some ethereal desert,Emraan confesses his undying love for Vidya in heavy Hindi(which again,results in her collapsing to her knees..oh no,wait a second,in this particular scene she flees,deliberately ruining pretty rangolis in the process,to go to the privacy of her room,and then drops down on her knees,fumbling to wear her mangalsutra for no practical reason).The next day,she leaves,only to collapse again,to which Emraan tells her of his “desire to take her somewhere!”>_<Moments later,we see beautiful Shimla,where his mother accepts Vidya and urges her to be with her son,(In a matter of minutes,mind you!The Ruparels are a very loving family you see!)AND calls her a 'banjaaran".(Don't ask me why;I just remembered that part clearly!Again,don't ask me why).Seeta and Radha also featured in the mother's soliloquy,but I couldnt fathom why!Vidya admits to knowing Nothing(main pyaar karna nahi jaanti,main jeena nai jaanti blah blah)This was funny till last Monday,because of her knowing Nothing;but now the Jon Snow shaped hole in my heart just makes me sad,to even think about “You know Nothing” memes,so let’s not dwell on it!*sniff*

Moving on,after loads of complications and absolute stupidity on Vidya’s part,the movie inches towards its end,with emotions like pyaar,sanskaar,tyaag,balidaan,pativraatya,saat janmo ka bandhan,and sanskar portraying a major role before finally giving way to feminism and self respect in the very end!(With Vidya falling once again,this time to “thank” Emraan-she grabs his, uhm,feet and calls him bhagwaan!)While my friends lamented the plight of a heartbroken Emraan who tries to help Vidya settle stuff with her husband,I was busy wondering why no one bothers about her kid after the interval!Maybe that’s the reason the kid didn’t bother about the mother until after a few days of her demise(refer the beginning of the movie)!The end becomes quite predictable,with Arum lilies playing the villain,as Emraan runs towards a field full of ’em,(beautiful place though) after sniffing their khushboo out from almost a mile away,(you’ve got a strong nose bud,cheers!),and yelling “khushboo”,to make matters clear,only to be blown up into smithereens!Vidya is informed of this by the sudden gust of wind that extinguishes the diya to warn her about her piya,and the diya itself which diligently refuses to light up again,thus confirming his death before his sidekick cries it out on the phone!

The movie ends with Rajkumar doing a graceful pirouette amidst the villainous lilies,scattering her ashes ,because apparently that will somehow reunite her with Emraan!This,coupled with the title tune that has an unnecessary twinge of sadness to it,was enough to reduce half the audience to tears,as the other half rolled around in laughter!I was caught up between bursting to tell my friend a couple of theories,and maintaining a respectful silence as the other half of my group sniffed and sobbed!Maybe that was because of Emraan Hashmi dying,I thought,and in an attempt to lighten the mood,pointed at khushbu and yelled, “It’s all because of you,khushbooo!”,which made her burst into giggles yet again,and I was rewarded with looks of fury and disgust as the mourners continued to maintain a sober facade all the way home!

So,yeah,the story was okay,and Emraan was cute,with the snow catching on his moustache and melting our hearts,but that’s pretty much it!I would recommend people to watch something else instead.(Maybe a documentary on Arum lilies,or on luxury hotels!)

Thanks for reading my mindless rants,have a good monsoon,ya’ll!

P.s:Speaking of,more posts on the monsoon and on life,coming soon!